REALITY CHECK

In minds crammed with thoughts, organs clogged with toxins, and bodies stiffened with neglect, there is just no space for anything else.
- Alison Rose Levy

I haven't had much room to breathe over the last several weeks; and, in many ways, I only have myself to blame.  I'm just terrible at taking care of myself.  Spoiler alert readers: I'm about to get real. If you don't know me well, you are about to; and, this absolutely terrifies me.

I'm not sure how it all began.  For as long as I can remember, I haven't been able to relax, truly relax, my mind, body, or spirit.  My muscles are tight and sore much of the time. My shoulders sit just below my ears as if I'm a tiger ready to pounce.  Getting a massage makes me feel guilty because I worry about how hard the therapist would need to work to get through the stiff clenched sinew of my shoulders, back and legs.  My brain works overtime thinking of every possible scenario regardless of how important it may be.  My chest feels the stirring of unrest in my soul.  I don't know if I've ever been truly comfortable in a chair or a bed, much less my own skin.  My priorities generally have nothing to do with myself; but, rather how others fare and if I am good enough to meet their needs and requirements.  I work hard because I want to but, also because I truly feel have to.  I have placed the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I know that no one else has done so for me.  

I've watched my parents work and sacrifice.  Boy, do they ever work hard!  My dad, a retired minister, mowed the church lawn up and down a steep hill.  My mom, bent over narrow garden beds kneeling for hours on hard concrete pathways.  I witnessed the sweat on their brows and marveled at the fruit of their labours.  As a child, however, I wasn't keen to join their efforts.  In the old Biblical story of Mary and Martha, I was a Mary.  Much more content to enjoy a visit at one of the church dinners they helped put on than to wash the a pile of dishes.  (If you come to my home today, you'll see I'm still not a fan of dishes.)  However, somewhere along the line, I began to feel that I had to live up to someone's expectations - even if they were just my own.

When my dad was ordained, people kept coming up to me and saying, "Remember, you're a priest's daughter now," as if our family had been magically transformed into something completely different.  As annoying as it was to a teenage girl, I know I took it to heart.  Appearances were everything in those days and I sure needed to have a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  Needless to say, I wasn't good at it.  I've never fit well in a box, no matter how much I like them (order is everything!!).  It's been a constant battle for me.  I always feel like I'm under a microscope.  I have to have it all together, I have to know everything, I cannot ask for help, and if I slip, I'll be found out as a "fraud."  I always feel as though the rug could be pulled out from under me at anytime.

So, what am I getting at here?  Well, it's this...

This pill bottle represents what I have accomplished with all of the stress, strain, and lack of confidence I have placed upon myself. (Not to mention the stress-eating and absence of self-care.)  I'm 38 years old and I have high blood pressure, folks.  And, it is not worth it.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get myself out of this stress fest.  I still have to work hard because we are so financially strained; but,  I know that simplifying our life is definitely even more important to me now.  What's difficult for me to be okay with is that we may not be able to build our home in the time when I had hoped.  Perhaps we won't even have a place of our own until the kids have moved out.  Who knows?  All I know is that I have to stop worrying about it, one way or another... or I may not be there to see it.

~ Michelle

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

- Mandy Hale